"I feel stressed about buying presents because I don't like materialistic things."
I think this is quite a common feeling at Christmas time, particularly between family members or parts of the family who have quite different value systems - because what seems materialistic to one person might seem completely normal and standard to another person. Gifts might be actually what they really want even if it's not what you really want and this can cause a lot of stress.
As an example, my mum is really into having lots of small presents that you get to unwrap individually. She absolutely loves it! Probably one of the best presents I ever got her at Christmas was a shoebox, inside which were about 20 small little items - gloves, some chocolate, a pen and things like that - which I'd individually wrapped, and she got to unwrap all of them. She really enjoyed that present. Now for me - I don't really like that. I love gifts, but I would rather have a single item of quality or a single quality experience with someone than lots of little things.
You might be having a similar experience, where your stress is being caused by a parent, or perhaps your own child, or another side of the family like your in-laws or partner, and all of them absolutely love stuff. They love things: they want the most expensive gadgets, they want the fanciest clothes, and they want absolutely boatloads of presents! I remember the mother of an ex-boyfriend of mine was talking about what she would do at Christmas and what the parents would get for their three sons (including my ex). She said each one of the boys got a sofa piled full of presents! For that family, that's how they showed their love - that's what they wanted to show.
To be clear, there is absolutely no judgment in that. I used to be very judgmental about people who I perceived were materialistic. Now what I recognize is it's just a different way of showing love; giving and receiving tokens of affection. But what do you do if you are a person who doesn't want to do that? Perhaps you find it stressful to have lots of things in your home. Perhaps you prefer quality over quantity. Or perhaps there's environmental and ethical concerns about having all of these objects or having loads of stuff and loads of wrapping paper which you probably don't even need or don't even want. What then?
The key is around setting boundaries and expectations.
It's hard sometimes when we have two people or two parts of a family who are close, who love each other and yet who have different value systems, or different ways of expressing the same value. Your job is to set expectations about how those value systems will be expressed. You're both trying to express the same thing - love. One person expresses their love through giving lots of presents all wrapped up in a shoebox; another person expresses their love through a beautiful handmade card; another person expresses their love through taking someone out to dinner; yet another gives the other person a hug. You're all trying to express the same value (which is love) but you're taking different strategies or different approaches to express that value.
So set an expectation with these other people who are different or in contrast to you when it comes to perceptions of materialism. Because let’s be real: if you're not into presents, and no one you know is into presents, and no-one you’re going to interact with at Christmas is bothered about them … then you’re probably not going to be feeling stressed out! Because everyone’s value system and way of expressing that value system is matching up.
However if you are feeling stressed about buying presents because you think it’s materialistic, there’s probably somebody else who thinks the opposite that you're interacting with - or something else (like a general social vibe) that is in perceived opposition to your position. So set some expectations with this other person; this lover or part of your family who is different to you. Highlight that you love them, you care for them, and that you want to express that love and care in a way that feels meaningful and authentic to you and to them.
That’s really important here. You might think gifts are really materialistic, but if the person you love doesn’t have any negative feelings about it, what’s more important to you: showing the person you love that you love them in a way that you truly value, or being right and sticking with what you think is the ‘right’ thing to do? Setting expectations is a way to do a bit of both of those things; it enables you to say “This is how I want to express my love and care for you, in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to me, but I want you to enjoy it to - so what would you like?” It’s not about imposing your way onto them (or vice versa) but about genuine collaboration so everyone feels comfortable and loved.
And when it comes to receiving gifts, you must set boundaries around what you actually want. If you come from family of gift givers - who love gifts, who want to gift lots of gifts, who love stuff - but actually all that stuff just ends up being clutter you take to the charity shop as soon as you can, then boundaries are essential. Set that boundary lovingly and clearly: “I want to give you the opportunity to show your love and care for me, because I know you do love and care for me, but all of this stuff is just not what I want anymore. Can we find a different way to express our love and care?” Again, it’s not about imposing your values onto them, or controlling their behaviour, but about giving them an opportunity to do things differently because you’ve set a clear boundary about what you no longer want.
So if you’re feeling stressed about buying presents because it all feels really materialistic:
Understand who in your life you are coming up in contrast with who does like material things (partners, family members, or parts of the family)
Consider how comfortable you feel expressing love to another person in the way they value not just how you value
Set expectations around how you want to give and receive tokens of affection with those people; highlight that you’re operating from the same values of love and care but take different strategies and want to collaborate
And to avoid receiving unwanted stuff, set a clear boundary of what no longer works for you and collaborate on a different option
You’ve probably realised from reading this post that putting this stuff into practice isn’t easy, especially during the hustle and bustle of this time of year. You need to be consistent with it, and that means doing it every single day. If you’d like helpful daily reminders that encourage you to put these ideas into action, then click on the link below and join my affordable metaphysical membership, Soul Messages. As a member, you receive a daily text message to keep you on your path, from practical exercises and journal prompts, to musical suggestions and uplifting notes of appreciation. Click on the link below to join the Soul Messages membership, and I’ll see you there.
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