"I feel stressed about buying presents because I don't want to let anyone down."
First of all, I want to extend some compassion. Within that idea of letting people down, and that your gift is somehow not going to be good enough, or not right or not meaningful, I really hear a worry about expressing your love and care for that person.
Sometimes people can have quite high expectations or dreams or desires when it comes to Christmas and the gifts that they want to receive. That can be particularly true of children who don't always necessarily understand how money and gifts go together. If they still feel that Father Christmas is going to bring their gifts, they might not realize that there's a repercussion for the parent or for your family about money, time and energy. If a little kid asks for a horse for Christmas, and they really want a horse, they’re desperate for a horse, and that's just not something that you want to buy or feel is appropriate or is relevant, there can be this understandable feeling of “Oh sh*t, this person I love and care about, someone who I want to be able to give the world to has this strong desire … and I don't want to give it to them!” Or “I don't think it's right to give it to them” or “We can't give it to them, we can't afford it, and we can't dedicate the time to it.” It’s easy to get into a loop of feeling that you don’t want to let them down but you also don’t want to give them this particular desire, and you don’t know how to extract yourself from that loop. That's a real and genuine worry and it comes from a place of deep love and care for somebody.
But I feel it also can come from a place of feeling that what you have to offer, just as you are right now, isn't quite good enough. That somehow you will buy or make a present that will be sub-optimal and below par; it will be a My Little Pony, not a real horse. The repercussion will be that these people in your life that you care for and you love so much will be disappointed because it’s not what they truly want. I really hear in that feeling of feeling stressed about buying presents because you don't want to let anyone down that there's a real worry about, and maybe even a fear of, other people's disappointment.
So where does this come from? Where does this fear of disappointment come from? We could make some easy statements: we could say that it's about being a perfectionist, or a people pleaser, or wanting to be the best at something. But this fear of disappointment and of someone being disappointed in you can actually really deep down be attached to the feeling of shame. The feeling that “I am not good enough for this person that I love so much and I care for so deeply; I'm not good enough, and I'm not worthy.” Those sorts of messages and feelings of disappointment can start very early, at school or with our family members, where we do or say something and the response is quite literally: “I'm so disappointed in you”, “I'm so ashamed of you” or “You should be ashamed”.
The way that shame works is as a very negative and harmful emotion which is used to castigate and almost de-humanise someone by ‘casting out’ their behaviour as unacceptable. Shame stops behaviour in its tracks - but very violently. Shame is an effective and painful trap, because once you're in that feeling of shame, it's hard to come out of it, which means the behaviour does not manifest again - but it also means you can feel very scared, unworthy and disgusted at yourself. While this might sound extreme in the context of ‘simple’ gift-giving, lots of our negative emotions are variations on shame; lots of our limiting beliefs are variations on feeling shame. Disappointment can be one of them; that idea of letting somebody down, that “if I don't buy them this thing or get them this thing they will feel disappointment, I will let them down and that will be negative, and I will be in the wrong - I will be back in the Shame Trap."
So how did you deal with that? It's about recognizing that giving gifts - and in fact all the things we do to express our love and care for other people - are just that: they're only expressions. They are not the true love and care that sits in our heart; our behaviours are only outward attempts to express the inexpressible.
We've all experienced this in some way, whether it's with a friend, a parent or baby - or a dog, because dogs are great at this. You look into the eyes of that person or being you love so much, and they don’t say anything or do anything, but you can feel in your soul how much you love them and they love you. All of the stuff on top - the hugs and the kisses and the cooking dinner and the dates and the buying horses or decorating the tree or anything else - is an attempt, unique to your personality, to express that deep well of love and care within you. And that's what you want to come back to when you're feeling stressed about buying presents, or not being being able to buy presents, and feeling like you're going to let someone down.
Sure, if a kid doesn't get their Barbie Dream House or whatever, they're probably going to have a whinge right in that moment because they’re kids - they’re in the moment and they are expressive, they know what they want and what they don’t! Even as adults we can be like this: I remember an ex-boyfriend at Christmas once presented me with this box, a velvet box exactly the right size for a bracelet. I had it in my hands and I was so insanely excited, and I opened it and inside it was … a pen. Of course I felt disappointed, because I thought it was going to be this beautiful elegant jewelry and it was a pen. I didn't want a pen - I wanted an expensive, gorgeous bracelet! And at the time I would’ve shown that on my face (whoops).
Looking back I can see that he was trying to express his love and care for me, and your kids (or partner, or whoever) will eventually feel the same. But when they do express that minute of disappointment or you feel stressed about the potential of that happening, then return to that deep well of love within you. Return to that understanding that you can sit with this person or look at this person, and you can exude all of the love and care that you want to give them without doing or saying anything. If you set that intention into motion within you, they will feel it.
You can practice doing this, and it’s really good to practice if you have a pet. Just sit with the pet, look at them, and be saying in your mind “I love you, I love you, I love you” and “I care about you, I care about you, I care about you” over and over - sitting and gazing at them, and just seeing their response. We tend to do this quite naturally with babies; we’re able to gaze at them and love them, and not feel the need to do things or create things or give them things in that moment. We trust that the energy of our love is enough.
So it's something to return to in the middle of that stress point, when you are feeling “What if I get this present and they don't like it, or what if they're disappointed, or what if I let them down?”. Remember and tell yourself “My love and care for them is something I can express right now without doing or saying or buying anything.” Practice that love and care through your intention, by focusing your energy on them, and trust they will feel it.
And if you’re really caught up on this feeling of needing them to be happy and not be disappointed with your gift-giving, I invite you to consider that there’s potentially an irritation in your heart of believing that “I’m not good enough if I don’t do these things for other people”. I would offer you the perspective that the love and care you feel for them is absolutely what these wonderful people in your life right now feel for you. Maybe in the past you weren’t surrounded by people like that, who didn’t love and care for you in the way you deserved to be, but you are now. The people you are most worried about letting down are the same people who light up when you walk in a room, and who feel your very presence as a priceless gift.
You’ve probably realised from reading this post that putting this stuff into practice isn’t easy, especially during the hustle and bustle of this time of year. You need to be consistent with it, and that means doing it every single day. If you’d like helpful daily reminders that encourage you to put these ideas into action, then click on the link below and join my affordable metaphysical membership, Soul Messages. As a member, you receive a daily text message to keep you on your path, from practical exercises and journal prompts, to musical suggestions and uplifting notes of appreciation. Click on the link below to join the Soul Messages membership, and I’ll see you there.
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