"I feel under so much pressure to have the perfect storybook Christmas.
What should I do?
This is such a common and unpleasant problem that lots of us face, whether you're a parent, a partner, the child of older parents or even if you're having a Christmas which is perhaps just you and friends. There’s this real desire - almost a compulsion - to try and have this perfect storybook, Coca-Cola-advert Christmas, whatever that looks like to you.
The perfect storybook Christmas tends to look like a perfectly decorated house where everything's colour coordinated. There's a Christmas tree in every room and table runners and baubles and a fridge stocked full of delicious food. There are presents under the tree - all of them colour coordinated (obviously) and wrapped perfectly. Every outfit you wear to every Christmas event is glamorous and gorgeous. Everybody loves the gifts you buy. You’re the perfect host or hostess; the canapes are exactly right and every guest loves it. On the day itself you get loads of fabulous pictures, the kids don't cry, no one has a tantrum, and no one says something insensitive at dinner. The perfect storybook Christmas is a vision in tinsel and fairy lights … and it is completely unrealistic.
So where does the pressure come from to try and meet this unrealistic vision of the festive season?
First of all let’s look at where the idea of a perfect Christmas comes from. We are surrounded by images of Christmas that look and feel infinitely ‘better’ than the ones we have experienced, particularly as children (or as adults when we realize that a perfect Christmas doesn't happen without a lot of hard work). We're surrounded by advertising, marketing and promotional images which show us this glamorous, sparkly idea of Christmas. That includes films - looking at you Richard Curtis - where everything's beautiful and people fall in love and it snows on Christmas Day. We have this really strong cultural ‘background noise’ of a specific sort of Christmas, where there's love and companionship and everyone gets on and everyone gets lovely presents. This noise gives us an impression of a particular type of Christmas we should have, and when we feel that need or compulsion to have a perfect Christmas it’s that cultural backdrop that we are referring to.
But there's also the perfect Christmas that we've created in our individual minds, which is essentially all of the things we didn't have when we were desperate for a perfect Christmas as a child. Perhaps there wasn't quite the perfect food in the fridge or in the oven. Perhaps we didn't get the presents that we really wanted. Perhaps we saw our parents or other family members argue around Christmas; perhaps there were alcohol or drugs involved. Perhaps our family wasn’t together at Christmas, or they didn’t have the money, time or energy to wrap our presents beautifully and put the tree up perfectly.
As children we experienced the social pressure of what other kids and their families were doing at this time of year as well as the cultural background noise of Christmas films, media and promotional images. And when we are in that very emotionally-charged moment of the year, and it’s not what we expect or hope or want, it’s hard for us as a child to understand the practical reasons behind that. This means you can go into adult life with this subconscious desire to ‘make right’ all the things that you thought were wrong about your Christmasses of the past; the lack of presents, the abundance of arguing, and so on. That's when you will feel the drive to have a perfect Christmas - not only from the external influences of films, media and advertising, but also from the internal pressure of trying to create a Christmas that speaks to the child within you that never got it.
If you’re feeling the stress of a storybook Christmas very strongly, you may also have internalised pressure from your parents, family members, or even your own children, friends or peer group who are doing Christmas in a certain way. Perhaps their way sparks jealousy or envy, or perhaps there’s a loved one who always seems to criticise ‘your way’ at this time of year. So not only is there pressure internally to fulfill all your childhood dreams of creating this perfect storybook Christmas, but also there’s the fear or worry of receiving criticism or disappointment from the people in your life if you don’t create that perfect Christmas - plus the background noise from advertising and marketing.
This blend of external and internal influences is what can create the feeling of pressure, sometimes even as a physical symptom such as headaches, back- or shoulder-ache. Understandably, this emotional and physiological pressure makes it really hard to actually enjoy the Christmas that you are having. Because if there's this pressure in your head, or this perception that it could all be ‘better’, then you’re never going to really be able to enjoy what’s in front of you - the Christmas you are actually having.
Picking apart the absent aspects of your Christmas - there’s not enough tinsel, that wrapping paper doesn’t match, I forgot to stuff the mushrooms - is often a lot emotionally easier than staying present to the Christmas that’s in the front of you: the one where your aunt criticises your bread sauce, where you’re handling chronic illness, where money’s a bit tight, where you’re working two jobs, where the idea of learning how to make a wreath just isn’t on the cards. Because that might be the real Christmas you are having - and that doesn’t mean it’s not a period of time which you can enjoy and feel great pleasure and appreciation.
In fact, the answer to worrying about having the perfect storybook Christmas is to come back to that appreciation just as the feeling of pressure starts. Rather than having an image in your mind of everything Christmas could be and using that as a measuring stick against your own inadequacies, the key is to focus on what you have right now. If you’re comparing yourself to some Pinterest Christmas and grading yourself as 40% of the way there, you’ll be always thinking about the 60% that’s missing and being very disappointed. Instead, come back to that 40% and focus on appreciating it fully.
This process can be very simple. When I work with my 1:1 clients on appreciation (or in one of my courses or the Soul Messages membership), we start with appreciation for this exact moment. You can even practice it now - here’s my example. In this moment I can appreciate that I have the technology to write (and record) this blog post. I have the quiet space to take 20 minutes to record something. I appreciate having the internet so I can share it with you! I appreciate that I have these ideas and thoughts that I've developed and worked on over the last few decades of my life and that I'm now able to do something meaningful with. I'm even appreciative of all of the Christmasses that I had that were disappointing, painful or really really not the perfect storybook Christmas - because if I hadn't had them I wouldn't know what a good Christmas felt like, and I wouldn't know how to talk about it with you! These are all the things I appreciate and they're just what's in front of me immediately, not even mentioning that I’m alive, breathing, healthy and with food in the fridge.
This practice of appreciation for such simple things can seem trite or maybe even too ‘obvious’, but the ability to appreciate these very small things in a deep way helps them expand. They then form this very rich pattern, or rich experience in our life.
One of the reasons promotional images and advertising work so well is they create an all-encompassing universe of perfection we can buy into (metaphorically and literally) so there is always something more to see and enjoy. What appreciation does is create an all-encompassing universe of beautiful enjoyment and pleasure from what is in front of you, without you needing to change (or buy) anything. With that comes a greater love of what’s around you, and with that love you can look at the banal elements of an imperfect Christmas - the cards, the trees, the films, the popcorn, the arguments, the disappointments, the rain, the gravy stains - and see what’s behind all of it: an attempt to express love and delight in one of the darkest times of the year.
Releasing the pressure of having a perfect storybook Christmas is all about coming back to that love and appreciation for what is your unique experience right now, rather than comparing yourself to an unrealistic vision of Christmas that’s been created from advertising, envy and regret.
You’ve probably realised from reading this post that putting this stuff into practice isn’t easy, especially during the hustle and bustle of this time of year. You need to be consistent with it, and that means doing it every single day. If you’d like helpful daily reminders that encourage you to put these ideas into action, then click on the link below and join my affordable metaphysical membership, Soul Messages. As a member, you receive a daily text message to keep you on your path, from practical exercises and journal prompts, to musical suggestions and uplifting notes of appreciation. Click on the link below to join the Soul Messages membership, and I’ll see you there.
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